I really, really, really want to not be fat. But I also really, really, really want. to. eat. I love food. I love tasting food. I love smelling food. And I hate being HUNGRY! So, I am at a crossroads. I just don't know what to do with myself. I just wish I had a friggin steady job, that would allow me some semblance of routine, and then maybe I could get my shit together.
I know that we don't have money to be throwing around for just anything, but I also know that we are not about to be put out on the street just yet, either. I hate that when I spend a few dollars to do or buy something that makes me happy, even if only for a moment, I get treated like I'm an ungrateful step child. But when he wants to spend money on something, it's suddenly ok, and I can't say anything about it, because he has a job, so he can spend money. I thought it was supposed to be "our" money, no matter who was making it.
I just need a damn job already!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Hello? Anyone there?
So, this whole blogging thing. How do you get people to read it? I mean, I enjoy talking about myself enough, that the fact that no one is reading it really doesn't phase me, but I would like to know that there is at least one person out there that doesn't think I'm totally crazy. I don't want anyone I know in real life to read it, at least, not knowing that this is me. So I don't wanna go advertising it on facebook or anything, but I don't know how else to get people to notice that I'm on here. Oh well, I guess this can just act as my online diary if nothing else. Hey, that's not a bad idea. Dear Diary...
Friday, February 19, 2010
rude ass people!
At the unemployment office the other day (yeah, still no job), I encountered one of the most vile, stick-up-her-ass, rude, hateful, and judgemental women that I have ever met! After trying to humiliate me in front of the entire place by pointing out that I did not have my social security card ready to show (I don't carry that with me, so I didn't have one to show.), she then began to berate me for using the website incorrectly. I calmly explained to her that I was simply doing what the website told me to do, I was only following directions, but that only made her ugly face twinge more, obviously thinking that I was a complete moron that had no idea how to use a computer. She just kept repeating to me that it was my fault, and I was doing it wrong, and talking to me as if I were a child. I have never in my life wanted to reach across a counter and strangle someone so much!! I don't know that I believe in karma, but I sure hope it exists, and that bitch gets what's coming to her one day!
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
this is rediculous...
Still unemployed at this point, and it's getting really old. Originally I didn't mind hanging out at home doing nothing, but now I really just want some place to go. I want to be productive again. I have re-started the diet, and it's going well so far. Nothing too drastic, just counting the calories and keeping the daily total under 1500. I've already lost a few pounds, so hopefully I can stick with it. I'd like to go to the gym, but currently, there is so much snow on the ground that I feel my exercise time is not as important as not wrecking my car on the ice. So my daily activity for this week has been limited to house work. But that counts! Movement is movement, and some is better than none! So I'm trying to figure out a way to make money since I can't seem to find a job. I've thought about at home daycare, doggy daycare, or possibly tutoring students. I'm just so unmotivated, I can't get the ball rolling in any direction. Maybe I'll just be a fat stripper. There are guys out there who like big girls. It could work.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Update on the "not so diet" diet...
Yeah, so, things haven't exactly gone as planned in the diet department. I'm shocked! (As if) But it hasn't been all my fault. I've had a few set backs. Some unexpected stress in my life, that has caused the act of dieting to take a back seat. A death in the family, getting fired from my job, an argument that lead to the undoing of a life-long friendship, all of these things have taken a toll on my mental health. So, since I've become a mental case, the whole losing weight thing has kinda been put on hold. And today, in particular, I'm sick with a cold and couch, and the feeling of hot food down my throat is the only thing that's making me feel better. Down the hatch!! Maybe once I'm better, and have a job, then I can get back to dieting. Or just find a new excuse not to.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
hungry, Hungry, HUNGRY
Like everyone else on planet fat, I have resolved that this is the year I will finally lose the weight. Why will this be the year? Why, when every other attempt has failed, will this finally work? What motivation do I have that I didn't have before? BACK FAT. Yes, the last 20 lbs or so, that I've steadily put on over the past couple of years, has begun to emerge as fat rolls on my back. I had been pretty lucky up to this point, at least in this category. I've always gained my weight in my boobs, ass, and gut (which is the worst place, I know). But I guess those areas have finally reached maximum capacity, and now it's time to move to the back.
I say I've been lucky, because my sister, who has been a little on the chunky side most of her life as well, has almost always had back fat. I envied her for having a "flat" pot belly. Meaning that even though she gained weight in the middle, it was still kinda flat, like the plus sized underwear models. But I've always had the two belly system. The smaller on bottom, and the top one growing more and more massive as the years have passed, until it has finally come to rest over the waistband of my pants.
Since I have started to develop these love handle type of protrusions from my backside, they've become increasingly uncomfortable. When I am standing up straight (something I seldom do, but have been trying to do more), or sitting down, they fold over to the point that I can feel the skin touching itself. It's freakin me out a little. And what's worse, when I get hot, they sweat! Eeewww! I hate to sweat, and I already hate that I do so under my arms and boobs, but now I have another "pit" in which sweat can build up and get that gross, slimy feeling!
So, that's the extra motivation that I needed. The swift kick in the pants. The reality check. Screw that I'm already medically obese, at risk for a whole host of medical problems. Or that I've been sluggish and lazy for years because of the weight. Who cares that I haven't liked what I look like naked since, well, ever? Doesn't matter that I can't get to our seats at the football stadium without almost having a heart attack. The thing that I needed to finally get my ass on a real diet and exercise regimen was as simple as the placement of fat in one specific location. But I digress.
Whatever the reason, it's time. I will be *gasp* and *gulp* 30 this year (29 again, actually). And I've been trying to get pregnant for over a year (which I've been told may be easier done if I lost a few), and I'm just sick of being a fatty. I know it won't be easy. I'll have to muster will power from the depths of my soul (it's gonna take a lot for me to "just say no" to the FREE food that is brought into my office on almost a daily basis), and it's gonna take energy that I haven't had since I was 5. But I'm determined, this has got to work!
Check back in a week or so, and see if I'm still going, or if the pressure was just too much. I may decided that it would be easier to design a back fat "bra" instead. (ooh, that could work!)
I say I've been lucky, because my sister, who has been a little on the chunky side most of her life as well, has almost always had back fat. I envied her for having a "flat" pot belly. Meaning that even though she gained weight in the middle, it was still kinda flat, like the plus sized underwear models. But I've always had the two belly system. The smaller on bottom, and the top one growing more and more massive as the years have passed, until it has finally come to rest over the waistband of my pants.
Since I have started to develop these love handle type of protrusions from my backside, they've become increasingly uncomfortable. When I am standing up straight (something I seldom do, but have been trying to do more), or sitting down, they fold over to the point that I can feel the skin touching itself. It's freakin me out a little. And what's worse, when I get hot, they sweat! Eeewww! I hate to sweat, and I already hate that I do so under my arms and boobs, but now I have another "pit" in which sweat can build up and get that gross, slimy feeling!
So, that's the extra motivation that I needed. The swift kick in the pants. The reality check. Screw that I'm already medically obese, at risk for a whole host of medical problems. Or that I've been sluggish and lazy for years because of the weight. Who cares that I haven't liked what I look like naked since, well, ever? Doesn't matter that I can't get to our seats at the football stadium without almost having a heart attack. The thing that I needed to finally get my ass on a real diet and exercise regimen was as simple as the placement of fat in one specific location. But I digress.
Whatever the reason, it's time. I will be *gasp* and *gulp* 30 this year (29 again, actually). And I've been trying to get pregnant for over a year (which I've been told may be easier done if I lost a few), and I'm just sick of being a fatty. I know it won't be easy. I'll have to muster will power from the depths of my soul (it's gonna take a lot for me to "just say no" to the FREE food that is brought into my office on almost a daily basis), and it's gonna take energy that I haven't had since I was 5. But I'm determined, this has got to work!
Check back in a week or so, and see if I'm still going, or if the pressure was just too much. I may decided that it would be easier to design a back fat "bra" instead. (ooh, that could work!)
Never travel with "friends"
As part of the vacuum selling gig, everyone that I show one to gets a certificate for a free 2-night hotel stay at any number of destinations. Well, I brilliantly decided that once I showed all my friends, we would all use the certificate to go somewhere together. Bad, bad me.
We haven't even made it through the planning stages yet, and already there's a mutiny afoot. My idea was to drive to a beach (the closest being about 10-12 hrs from here) and then spend 2 days just lounging and tanning by the ocean. That would make for the cheapest trip overall, because we wouldn't have to shop, or pay for activities (things that certain other destinations pretty much guarantee, since that's all there is to do).
The first decision made was that the children would be left at home for this weekend getaway. Which was a relief for my hubby and I to hear since we don't have kids, and generally don't like them much. Problem with this decision was that because of it, one couple doesn't want to go anywhere that's farther than 5 hrs from home. Can I ask why? I mean, really. If something were to happen, does it really make that big of a difference if your 5 or 8 or 12 hrs away? I mean, if it were me, and something bad happened, I would fly home anyway. So the distance, (we're talking about being in the same time zone here) really shouldn't matter that much.
So now we are left with very few options of places to go. The places within 5 hrs of home, and on the list of ones we can use the certificate for, is very limited. We all liked the idea of St. Louis, but then realized, it's not on the list. So then someone says we should just forget the certificates, and go to St. Louis anyway! Great! Um, except for the fact that doing this would totally negate the entire point of the trip, which was to go somewhere on the cheap! Ugh.
All that's really left is Nashville or Gatlinburg. Both of which will require more money spent in order to do anything outside of the hotel. The only thing to do in either place, really, is shop. And I personally don't find the shopping in either place to be to my taste. Though I live in the country, I am not a country person. The decor in my home is modern, sleek, simple. No apples, or chickens (OK, there's roosters in the kitchen, but only because I haven't gotten around to covering them yet), or strands of hay or gingham to be found. So, you can understand why these places don't appeal to me. I've been to both, and wouldn't choose either as a place to vacation. I know tons of other people love these places (my friends are apparently in that group), but they're just not our scene.
After leaving our friends that evening, my hubby and I came to the conclusion that we are snobs. I've always known that he was one, but I hadn't yet come to the realization that he had rubbed off on me. Why couldn't we simply go along with the group's decision? Why did we have to have it our way? Why did no other idea sound as appealing to us as our own? Because we're snobs, plain and simple. So we then decided to simply not bring up the subject again, in the hopes that it will die quietly, and he and I will use our certificate to go to the beach.
Hey, I admitted to being a snob, but didn't say anything about wanting to change that about myself. Don't hate.
We haven't even made it through the planning stages yet, and already there's a mutiny afoot. My idea was to drive to a beach (the closest being about 10-12 hrs from here) and then spend 2 days just lounging and tanning by the ocean. That would make for the cheapest trip overall, because we wouldn't have to shop, or pay for activities (things that certain other destinations pretty much guarantee, since that's all there is to do).
The first decision made was that the children would be left at home for this weekend getaway. Which was a relief for my hubby and I to hear since we don't have kids, and generally don't like them much. Problem with this decision was that because of it, one couple doesn't want to go anywhere that's farther than 5 hrs from home. Can I ask why? I mean, really. If something were to happen, does it really make that big of a difference if your 5 or 8 or 12 hrs away? I mean, if it were me, and something bad happened, I would fly home anyway. So the distance, (we're talking about being in the same time zone here) really shouldn't matter that much.
So now we are left with very few options of places to go. The places within 5 hrs of home, and on the list of ones we can use the certificate for, is very limited. We all liked the idea of St. Louis, but then realized, it's not on the list. So then someone says we should just forget the certificates, and go to St. Louis anyway! Great! Um, except for the fact that doing this would totally negate the entire point of the trip, which was to go somewhere on the cheap! Ugh.
All that's really left is Nashville or Gatlinburg. Both of which will require more money spent in order to do anything outside of the hotel. The only thing to do in either place, really, is shop. And I personally don't find the shopping in either place to be to my taste. Though I live in the country, I am not a country person. The decor in my home is modern, sleek, simple. No apples, or chickens (OK, there's roosters in the kitchen, but only because I haven't gotten around to covering them yet), or strands of hay or gingham to be found. So, you can understand why these places don't appeal to me. I've been to both, and wouldn't choose either as a place to vacation. I know tons of other people love these places (my friends are apparently in that group), but they're just not our scene.
After leaving our friends that evening, my hubby and I came to the conclusion that we are snobs. I've always known that he was one, but I hadn't yet come to the realization that he had rubbed off on me. Why couldn't we simply go along with the group's decision? Why did we have to have it our way? Why did no other idea sound as appealing to us as our own? Because we're snobs, plain and simple. So we then decided to simply not bring up the subject again, in the hopes that it will die quietly, and he and I will use our certificate to go to the beach.
Hey, I admitted to being a snob, but didn't say anything about wanting to change that about myself. Don't hate.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Twenty Ten, or Two Thousand Ten?
It's finally here!! 2009 is over, and I'm so ready to start a new and fabulous year! This is gonna be the one! The one in which I will:
Well, I do still have that undiagnosed sleep disorder. The one that makes me fall asleep behind the wheel, like every other day. But I had a sleep study over the break, so once I get the results of that, I'll be able to fix what's wrong, and then I'll feel energized, alive, and full of zeal!
Yup, can't wait for my life to start. Just as soon as I get over the cold, and fix the sleep problem, oh, and find a new job. Yeah, I'm gonna get that full time job this year! Then we can stop worrying about money all the time, and I can finally breath. Then I will feel energized, alive, full of zeal, and ready to take on the world!
So, mark my words, this year is gonna be great! Just as soon as I can fix what was wrong with my life that is left over from last year. Ugh, never mind.
- finally lose the weight (seriously!)
- finally get pregnant (if at all possible)
- finally start saving some money (if I can manage to make some)
- generally have a better outlook on life.
Well, I do still have that undiagnosed sleep disorder. The one that makes me fall asleep behind the wheel, like every other day. But I had a sleep study over the break, so once I get the results of that, I'll be able to fix what's wrong, and then I'll feel energized, alive, and full of zeal!
Yup, can't wait for my life to start. Just as soon as I get over the cold, and fix the sleep problem, oh, and find a new job. Yeah, I'm gonna get that full time job this year! Then we can stop worrying about money all the time, and I can finally breath. Then I will feel energized, alive, full of zeal, and ready to take on the world!
So, mark my words, this year is gonna be great! Just as soon as I can fix what was wrong with my life that is left over from last year. Ugh, never mind.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
A long december
It's Dec. 1st of what has been officially the worst year of my life to date. Woo-hoo!! It's almost over!! Something tells me that this month will creep by, simply because I don't want it to. You may be wondering why this year has been the worst ever. Am I just being a drama queen? I don't think so, but I'm sure that others have worse problems than me. But for me, it's been the pits.
We started off the year with my dad going from stress test to triple bypass surgery in a matter of a week. Luckily, he survived, but it was stressful all the same.
While he was in the hospital, my right eye started to bother me. It started out as a simple irritation, but over the next few months, it grew into a raging, uber-painful fungal infection, that eventually left me legally blind in that eye. I ended up being off work for over 2 months, and we had to use our $7500 tax return from buying our house last year to live on, rather than paying off the credit card that we had planned on. I now have a hard contact that I can wear that brings me up to 20/30, but it's so uncomfortable, that I'd rather be blind.
While I was in the process of going mental due to the pain in my eye, the worst of the year came when my father-in-law had a stroke in February. He had been staying with family because the terrible ice storm that hit our town had left them without power for over two weeks. After being in 3 different hospitals over the next 2 1/2 months, he ended up passing in April. We still believe that the 2nd hospital he was in killed him with neglect, it's been too hard to prove to take them to court, so we are instead left with the anger and grief forever.
A couple months after his passing, the dog that he had loved do dearly, had to be put down at the age of 13. She had always been somewhat sickly, but I think she gave up to a broken heart.
A few other lesser occurrences that simply added to the shit mix include: me backing my husband's car outta the garage and ripping the passenger side mirror off the car; then less than a month later, being run over by a semi while I was parked in the truck. He basically tore up the whole back end of the truck (the truck we inherited when FIL passed); just recently, I rear-ended a guy in that same truck, while driving home one day. Luckily only breaking the front licence plate, and causing almost no damage to the other car; having my hours cut back at work so much that I had to start getting supplemental unemployment to help pay the bills; more or less losing my best friend that I've had since the first grade; and on top of all of this, we've been trying to get pregnant since Jan. and have had zero luck with that.
So, do I think that I'm being a drama queen about how much this year has sucked for me and my husband? No, I do not. I do realize that mine are not the worst problems in the world, and that it actually could've been a lot worse. I am thankful for the things that I do still have in my life, and my husband and I have actually become a better couple because of all we've been through together. So I do understand that I shouldn't complain too much, but I think that I have a right to complain a little, and be tremendously relieved that 2009 is almost over. I just hope that 2010 brings good things to us, that we can leave all this behind us, and move on.
We started off the year with my dad going from stress test to triple bypass surgery in a matter of a week. Luckily, he survived, but it was stressful all the same.
While he was in the hospital, my right eye started to bother me. It started out as a simple irritation, but over the next few months, it grew into a raging, uber-painful fungal infection, that eventually left me legally blind in that eye. I ended up being off work for over 2 months, and we had to use our $7500 tax return from buying our house last year to live on, rather than paying off the credit card that we had planned on. I now have a hard contact that I can wear that brings me up to 20/30, but it's so uncomfortable, that I'd rather be blind.
While I was in the process of going mental due to the pain in my eye, the worst of the year came when my father-in-law had a stroke in February. He had been staying with family because the terrible ice storm that hit our town had left them without power for over two weeks. After being in 3 different hospitals over the next 2 1/2 months, he ended up passing in April. We still believe that the 2nd hospital he was in killed him with neglect, it's been too hard to prove to take them to court, so we are instead left with the anger and grief forever.
A couple months after his passing, the dog that he had loved do dearly, had to be put down at the age of 13. She had always been somewhat sickly, but I think she gave up to a broken heart.
A few other lesser occurrences that simply added to the shit mix include: me backing my husband's car outta the garage and ripping the passenger side mirror off the car; then less than a month later, being run over by a semi while I was parked in the truck. He basically tore up the whole back end of the truck (the truck we inherited when FIL passed); just recently, I rear-ended a guy in that same truck, while driving home one day. Luckily only breaking the front licence plate, and causing almost no damage to the other car; having my hours cut back at work so much that I had to start getting supplemental unemployment to help pay the bills; more or less losing my best friend that I've had since the first grade; and on top of all of this, we've been trying to get pregnant since Jan. and have had zero luck with that.
So, do I think that I'm being a drama queen about how much this year has sucked for me and my husband? No, I do not. I do realize that mine are not the worst problems in the world, and that it actually could've been a lot worse. I am thankful for the things that I do still have in my life, and my husband and I have actually become a better couple because of all we've been through together. So I do understand that I shouldn't complain too much, but I think that I have a right to complain a little, and be tremendously relieved that 2009 is almost over. I just hope that 2010 brings good things to us, that we can leave all this behind us, and move on.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
who your real friends are...
Recently, my "best" friend since 1st grade and I had a little falling out. It's a story that's too long for this medium, but long story short, she said we no longer had anything in common (read: "I have a kid and you don't, so we can't be friends anymore.) and that we had just grown apart. We later sorta made up and were supposedly "cool", but I guess that was not so true.
When I started into this vacuum business, I told all my friends and family that I needed to use them as guinea pigs to practice on. She jokingly (or so I thought) said not to call her because she already had an awesome and expensive vacuum, and would never consider buying mine. So I jokingly (ok, maybe not totally joking) replied that she owed me because I was the one that threw her first pampered chef party when she started selling it. A week or so later I texted her to see when would be a good time to do my practice show for her, and in very few words (one to be exact, "nope") she let me know that she wouldn't be volunteering her time for me. So I got over it, realized that maybe we're not so "cool" after all, and moved on. Then today I get a message on facebook from her, inviting me to a Mary Kay party that her sister-in-law is throwing to mark the start of her new career. She told me (and a lot of other people that got the mass message, I'm sure) that we should all try to come because her sister-in-law really needed the practice! Can you believe the nerve of this woman? She's supposed to be my BEST friend, yet won't help me out when I need it, and then has the audacity to ask me to help out her sister-in-law!! I'm completely appalled and have no idea how to respond. Do I simply ignore her request, and take the high road, or do I go off on her in a long drawn out facebook message about how unbelievably rude she is, and which part of my body she should put her lips to and blow? I'm not yet sure which road I'll choose, but I do know that I no longer like, or really even know, this woman that my once only friend has become. I guess anyone can fall victim to the whole "growing apart" tragedy that I always used to think was just a lame excuse to quit talking to someone that pissed you off. I used to think that if you really cared about someone, you could make the relationship work, no matter what. But now I see that I may have been wrong, and maybe people really do just grow apart.
When I started into this vacuum business, I told all my friends and family that I needed to use them as guinea pigs to practice on. She jokingly (or so I thought) said not to call her because she already had an awesome and expensive vacuum, and would never consider buying mine. So I jokingly (ok, maybe not totally joking) replied that she owed me because I was the one that threw her first pampered chef party when she started selling it. A week or so later I texted her to see when would be a good time to do my practice show for her, and in very few words (one to be exact, "nope") she let me know that she wouldn't be volunteering her time for me. So I got over it, realized that maybe we're not so "cool" after all, and moved on. Then today I get a message on facebook from her, inviting me to a Mary Kay party that her sister-in-law is throwing to mark the start of her new career. She told me (and a lot of other people that got the mass message, I'm sure) that we should all try to come because her sister-in-law really needed the practice! Can you believe the nerve of this woman? She's supposed to be my BEST friend, yet won't help me out when I need it, and then has the audacity to ask me to help out her sister-in-law!! I'm completely appalled and have no idea how to respond. Do I simply ignore her request, and take the high road, or do I go off on her in a long drawn out facebook message about how unbelievably rude she is, and which part of my body she should put her lips to and blow? I'm not yet sure which road I'll choose, but I do know that I no longer like, or really even know, this woman that my once only friend has become. I guess anyone can fall victim to the whole "growing apart" tragedy that I always used to think was just a lame excuse to quit talking to someone that pissed you off. I used to think that if you really cared about someone, you could make the relationship work, no matter what. But now I see that I may have been wrong, and maybe people really do just grow apart.
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