Don't quit your day job, or do. Whatever.

I've been trying to find another job. Either something else part time to supplement the part time job I already have, or a full time position to replace this shit hole job. (Did I say that out loud?) Well, after months of searching, an opportunity knocked on my door, literally.
First I have to take you back to the summer, when we visited our state fair. There was a booth that had a big box full of cash that was blowing around and you had to guess how much money was in it. With your guess, you of course have to include your phone number, so they can call you if you win, and hassle you endlessly if you don't. We were already familiar with this company that sold a particular brand of vacuum cleaner. The RAINBOW. You may have heard of it. My mother-in-law has had one for over 20 years, and they are awesome. Expensive, but awesome. Well, the way they sell rainbows is by setting up appointments to demo it for you in your home. It's a type of pyramid scheme, where you sell, recruit more people to sell, and then make money off they're sales, and so on. But it is a good product, unlike some of the crap out there that is sold the same way. But I digress.
Since August, this company has been calling me pretty much every day, and knowing what they wanted, I simply didn't answer the phone. I figured if I won the contest, they'd leave a message. Then one night about a week ago, the phone rang and the caller ID showed a private line of a name I didn't recognize. Curious, I answered, expecting a wrong number. But no, it was rainbow! Tricky tricky. So now that I was in the clutches of the sweet sounding voice on the other end of the phone, I agreed to a home demo. We'd get a free 2 night hotel stay out of the deal, so why not?
Now we're up to date. The guy comes over and gives us the demo, and I'm surprised at how badly I want this machine! It really does do it all. It cleans the air, as well as the carpet. And you can even use it as a vaporizer, which I love! So, I'm smitten. After much discussion my husband finally says to me, "if you want to get it, then you have to work it off." Me? Sell vacuum cleaners? Seriously?
But then I ponder the situation. I would drive around and talk to people (a skill I was born with, BTW) about a machine that sells itself. And even if I sell nothing, after a certain amount of shows, I've earned back the money to pay for my rainbow. And if I do happen to sell, then I can call off the job search, and maybe even make enough to pay for all the things that I want to do to my house! This actually sounds kinda perfect! "Deal"
So now I'm a rainbow salesperson. I've only started training, and won't start actually selling until sometime next week. But I have to admit, I'm a little excited about it. I mean, if I get good at this, I could make all kinds of extra cash. And even if I suck, at least I got an awesome vacuum, right? Only time will tell if this was a good idea. I may be writing a week from now about how some old lady made me cry when she asked some crazy question that I couldn't answer and proceeded to berate me for being a silly vacuum salesman, when I should go out and get a real job, and have babies to take care of. Yes, only time will tell...

I've had it with flying (at least until my next trip)

I decided to break up this rant into a couple of separate posts, just because I wouldn't have the attention span to read it all at once, so I wouldn't expect you to either. (Even though the average person has a way longer attention span than me.) So we're still talking about the recent trip to Cancun, but this one is about the flight home. Like I said in the last post, it was a surprisingly good trip, but it wouldn't have been complete for me without some kind of drama. I got my wish on our last leg flight back home. Do you remember the days when, if your connection was running late, the crew would contact the next flight to let them know you were on your way, and they would hold the plane until you got there? Well, apparently, that must somehow lead to terrorism, and had to be stopped. (At least by American airlines, yeah, I said it.) So we were originally supposed to leave Cancun for Miami, and then from there, home to Kentucky. When we checked in, however, the girl at the counter noticed that we would only have an hour layover in Miami, and may not make the connection. She decided to put us on a plane to Dallas instead, and then home. Fine with me, I don't care how I get there, just so long as I do. This flight change would give us a more comfortable, yet still tight, hour and a half layover. We leave on time, there is no bad weather or problems that we know of on our 2 1/2 hour flight to Dallas, yet we somehow manage to be a half hour late. (I guess some old fart must have been driving the plane, and refused to go the speed limit.) So now we're back to a one hour layover. We hoofed it through the airport as fast as we could, but we had to go through customs, uncheck then recheck our bags (so incredibly retarded, by the way) and go to the opposite side of the airport via monorail system. None of these individual steps took very long, but the combo of having to do all of them put us arriving at our gate a mere 15 minutes before the plane was to leave. Great! We made it with a whole 15 min to spare! Wrong. When we get to the gate, there is no one there. The screen says that boarding is complete. WHAT? We still have 15 minutes! We ask the attendant at the gate next to ours if she could help us. Can you guess how that went? "I'm not the agent for that flight, I don't know anything." That apparently includes not knowing how to pick up a phone and dial someone that may know something. She directs us to an agent two gates down. "Maybe he can help you." So I stay at the gate, giving the moron dirty looks and mumbling things about not knowing how to operate a telephone, while my husband goes down the other gate. A few minutes later, a small woman appears from the jet way. As she comes up to the desk, another couple shows up in the same boat as us. We tell her that we need to get on that plane. She tells us that the plane is gone, and that's impossible. (Keep in mind we can see out the window, and the damn plane is still sitting there.) "But we still have 10 minutes!" I inform her. She then informs me that they finish boarding the plane 10 minutes before it leaves. "But we were here 5 minutes ago! You weren't!" I again educate her on the concept of time. She then proceeds to tell us that she knows who we are, she has our name on a paper in front of her, and they knew we were coming. "WHAT?" "If you knew we were coming, then why weren't you here waiting for us to arrive? Why weren't you holding the plane for a few minutes until we arrived? Why are you hassling me right now, if you knew we were on our way? WHY AM I STILL NOT ON THAT PLANE?" She says something that I can't make out because my ears are ringing at the sound of my own voice yelling, and the blood boiling in my head. She's on the phone with someone, thought I never heard her say anything to them. (I think she was faking it.) She then says something about the next flight leaving at 730pm (it was 1130am), and that sets off the woman of the other couple. I am now welling up with tears, refusing to sit in this airport for 8 hours. (That happened on our last trip, and it sucked hard.) Meanwhile, my husband sees me arguing with this woman from two gates down, and makes his way back to me. The frustration was welling up inside me (I just RAN through an airport for God's sake, and I DO NOT RUN!), and I'm not sure if it was that, the fact that the other couple had shown up, or if the guy two gates down had accomplished a miracle while he was on the phone, but magically the little woman I'd been screaming at for the last 10 minutes suddenly says, "OK." She tells us to run down the jet way behind her. It had already been pulled away from the plane, and the door was shut. She waved down the pilot, and pushed the jet way back up to the plane. We made it! Thank God. I just couldn't handle sitting in that place for 8 whole hours, after running to catch a flight that we had been on time for, only to miss it because of the douchey-ness of the employees of American airlines (yup, said it again). Now that we were on the plane (to the frustration of the other passengers that thought we were at fault for holding them up), I had time to calm down, and reflect on all that had just transpired. It made me more angry. First of all, this is still a customer service industry. We have the choice of airlines, and we chose yours. It's still your job to make us happy. Why, then, are you going to tell us that the flight leaves at a certain time, but neglect to tell us that we actually only have until 10 minutes before that to actually board the flight? And why would someone not be at the gate until that 10 minute mark? We made it with 5 minutes to spare, but because no one was there to let us in, we almost didn't make it. And it never should have gotten to that point because, second, if a connecting flight is late, and you know this, and you know we are in the building and on our way, and that holding the flight for just a few minutes would give us a chance to get there, then you should wait! I mean, we still managed to make it there on time, if you had just given us the chance. And, third, in the time that was spent arguing with me, we could've been on the plane and taxiing down the runway already. Those other passengers felt put out, but it wouldn't have had to be that way, if we had just been let on the plane as soon as that woman saw that we were there. The whole thing was a circus act put on by the performing turds of American airlines (#3), and could have been avoided if they had just wait 5 extra minutes. And to top it all off, the flight got into Louisville 15 minutes early, even after all that! I just don't understand what the point of all that was. Does us being a few minutes late for a flight (because your airline got us there late, for no apparent reason other than a Sunday driver and the wheel), pose some kind of risk to the plane. Is that extra 5 or 10 minutes going to somehow allow for a terroristic opportunity? Because if it is, please tell me. Otherwise, why don't you hold your damn horses and cater to your customers like you're supposed to. Was all that really necessary? Really?

At least it didn't rain...

It's been a while since I posted last because we went to Cancun on vacay, and didn't feel like luggin the laptop along for the ride. (A decision we later regretted, but whatever.) The trip was good, which was a surprise. We were expecting a shitty trip to go along with our shitty year, so when it didn't totally suck, we were kinda shocked. Instead of raining the entire time (thanks weather.com for being really, really wrong) it was sunny and hot as hell. My hubby loves the heat, so he was in heaven. I, on the other hand, hate to sweat. Therefore, I'm not as big a fan of the 90 degree temps we had, but at least it wasn't raining. I was glad to get a little sun, not so happy when a little turned into a lot. (My scalp is still peeling, it's a little gross.) But again, no rain. We walked to a flea market that was a few blocks from the hotel one day. I was so excited about shopping somewhere other than the hotel gift shop, which is where we bought our souvenirs on our last trip to Mexico. But then we stepped outside. What would've been a nice walk in, say, 70 degree weather, was more like a test of wills in 90 degrees. (It may have been 100, I can't tell the difference. Once it's over 85, it's just haities to me.) By the time we got to the market, I thought I might pass out, and it was an open air market (of course) so I got no relief once we got there. There were a few jewelry stores in the market that were air conditioned, so we made sure to go in all of them, even though they all sold the same things, and we had no intention of buying any of it. Here's the thing about shopping in Mexico in some place other than the gift shop, people will hassle the shit out of you. Buying a used car is a breeze compared to this. Every shop had it's own "owner" and they all wanted you to buy from them. Funny thing is, they all sell the same stuff, with minor variations. So if you go in one store, you've seen them all. We managed to make our way through, paying entirely too much for a T-shirt in one store, but getting a good deal on picture frames in another. We got the bottle of pomegranate infused tequila that I had to make sure I got, and some fun souvenirs for the homeys. I got a pretty summer dress, that I also paid way too much for, and a gorgeous bright orange sarong. (I still haven't figured out exactly how to tie that yet.) All in all, it was a fun day, until we had to walk back to the hotel. I thought the first leg was torture, but while we had been shopping, it had gotten about 1000 degrees hotter in the sun. I was already sunburned at this point, and as we made our way back, I stopped under every shady tree that was along the path. I was drinking from my water bottle as if I had just trekked across the Sahara, and as far as I'm concerned, I might as well have done just that. But just when I thought I might collapse from heat stroke, we made it back to the hotel, and the AC. Thank GOD!! Needless to say, we jumped straight into the pool (and the pool bar) upon our return, and all was well with the world once again. October is a great time to go to Mexico, because it's pretty much empty this time of year. (Hurricane season and all.) But the down side is that it's also summer down there right now, which equals hellfire temps, and raging humidity. But since I hate crowds as much as I hate heat, and AC is available, the heat was the lesser of two evils. Even if I do look like I have raging dandruff right now, at least I have a nice tan to show for it.

boredom is the new black.

Ok, I'm just bored right now, and decided to get on here and see if anything came to me. So far, nothing. I'm chatting with friends on facebook while I do this. (I am woman, hear me multitask!) You know what bugs me about chatting? It's irritating when your in the middle of a conversation with someone, and they suddenly stop talking to you. Not when they get kicked off (that's annoying, but not their fault), or even when they tell you they have to go suddenly (usually the people with kids). No, it's the ones that are doing something else either on or off facebook, and just can't be bothered to pause for one second to answer me when I've asked a question, or just lol me when I've made an unbelievably witty remark (practically every other statement, at least). It's e-snubbing, if you ask me. I know that no one did, but I'm just saying. That's all I've got. Dissapointing, I know. But it's getting late, and my eyes hurt. Once that starts, it's hard to think about much else. Sweet dreams!

New day, new reasons to go back to bed.

I'm at work today. (are you jealous?) Of course traffic was awful this morning. And a kind lady reminded me of one of my favorite traffic peeves, people that drive up the outside lane to get around a line of cars patiently waiting their turn, and then getting mad at me because I won't let them in front of me. Really the peeve is when someone else does something wrong (read: stupid) and then gets angry with me. So this woman is all hanging out her window trying to motion to me to let her in, and I simply give her my best "I don't think so, bitch." face. (I may have even mouthed the words.) Then proceeded to let the guy in front of her (who was simply trying to merge in off the exit, where he was supposed to be) in front of me, and then get as close to his bumper as humanly possible. Because I would rather bump the ass end of his truck than let that bitch into traffic. This is enough to make me feel like justice has been served, even though the guy two cars behind me ends up letting her in. I did my part.
This reminds me of the other day, when I was driving home from work. There's this road that I have to drive every day that runs between the expressway, and the town where I live. It's about 12 miles long, a little curvy in places, but the speed limit is 55mph, unless otherwise noted. The problem is, from the expressway to my house, there are no speed limit signs posted, only signs that say to slow down to 40 or 45 to make a specific turn. (Which you would think that anyone who could read, and managed to pass their driver's test would be able to put two and two together, and realize that if you have to slow down to 45, then the speed limit must be higher than that.) And way too many people decide to go whatever speed that see fit. In a sleepy town full of old farmers that drive even older pick-ups, that's usually about 35mph or so. So the other day I'm stuck behind Mr. Hillbilly Hank trotting along doing about 40, so of course the first chance I get I pass him. He then proceeds to flip me the bird out the window as I go by. Seriously? You're angry with me because you're too old to drive the damn speed limit?! (I may have revved the engine and gave him an evil look as I sped by, but that's still no excuse.) I need to move to New York and let the cabbies deal with this crap, while I read in the back seat. I hate driving. If there was a bus that ran from my house to the town that I work in, 30 miles away, I would totally ride it.
Anyway, I made it to work, and soon discover that half the office is out either sick, or with sick kids, and the boss is working in the back where I am. Which means I have to watch my P's & Q's, and find a way to look busy all day. I was going to start reading a new book during down time today, but instead I either have to find a place to hide, or find something to pretend to clean in order for her to not say that I should go home, or put me to work doing something remedial. Luckily typing on the computer looks like work. Unfortunately, even I don't have enough to say to keep me busy with this all day. And I doubt you'd care to read it even if I did. So I guess I'll go find something to keep me looking busy. Can't wait!

and I didn't even need my AK...

So I set out to write this blog as a bitch fest. An outlet to vent my frustrations and complain about, well, everything. But today, I can honestly say I haven't got much to complain about. I was up before noon (which as any of my friends will tell you is an accomplishment deserving of an ice cream sunday at the very least), got the oil changed, the car washed, tank filled, and even got a little christmas shopping done. When I got home, I did a little laundry, dusted a bit, did the dishes, and watered the plants. I opened all the windows, because it's a gorgeous day outside. Work called and told me I could come in tomorrow, (See, I have a job, but I don't work everyday due to lack of business. Where most people would think that's awesome, I don't, because if I don't work, I don't make money. And if I don't make money, my husband gives me shit about it and says things like "Would you rather have McDonalds for breakfast, or a roof over your head?") which was unexpected after seeing the schedule while I was there yesterday. Now I'm catching up on my Netflix by watching "The Color Purple". (That's another thing my husband gives me shit about. Ordering old movies, and chick flics, that he has no interest in watching, and then taking days or even weeks before getting around to watching them.) So, today was a good day, and though I'm sure I could think of something to bitch about, I'm just not really in the mood to. Have a happy day!

Hi. My Name Is....Fat Ass

So, I've been looking for a hobby for a while, and have had no luck coming up with anything remotely productive. I realized that it was a lost cause to try to find something to do that was 1) free, 2) wouldn't take too much time (not that I'm incredibly busy, just have a short attention span), and 3) that didn't require much (OK, any) energy spent in order to partake in said activity. I spend a lot of time on Facebook (not as much as some people, but usually at least an hour a day), and I love to talk about myself (don't read that I love myself, just that I like to talk about me. It's usually to criticize and/or belittle myself), so it just made sense that I should start blogging!
Once I came to that decision, then came the dilemma of what to blog about. My life is in no way important, interesting, inspiring, or even vaguely fun to read about. So you see my dilemma. Basically I'm a lazy, self-loathing, overweight (obese if you want to get technical), woman who enjoys bitching about how stupid everyone else on this planet is. But I do have a few redeeming qualities. I'm funny (at least to my sister), outgoing, smart, and would have a great sense of fashion if I had the body to put the clothes on.
So, I guess you're wondering what my decision was. Well, truth be told I still don't have a total direction just yet, but I'm a work in progress, so isn't it only fitting that a blog about me would be as well?
Like I said, I love to bitch about the stupidity of others, so I think I'll start there. Mix that with a little self hate and fatty bitching, and I think we've got a winning combo on our hands! I usually have a at least one story per day about how someone did something really moronic that annoyed the living piss out of me (BTW, I have the mouth of a sailor, especially if I really get worked up about something, so watch out!), and how something completely benign made me feel "fatter than ever!". Even though today's incident is escaping me at the moment. That's just because it's late and I'm tired.
I think I'll call it a night, and just leave this as an introduction. A little sneak peak into the world that I call home. A little appetizer, if you will, to lead off a meal of many courses. (There will also be a lot of references that involve food. I didn't get to obese without having a love affair with the stuff.) If anyone decides to read this, I'll be ecstatic. And if you actually get something out of anything I say, even if it's just to say "I hate it when people do that too!!", or "I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks that my ass grows in my sleep!", then I will know that this was the right choice of hobby. And if no one reads this, I guess it's still a good time killer. So win-win, right?
Good night all, and I'll leave you with a final thought: "Intelligent people of the world need to unite. We need to take in upon ourselves to figure out a way to keep the ass hats of the world from breeding. It's a global epidemic that must be stopped. So if anyone has any ideas about how we can go about accomplishing this, please feel free to post." And, "if you're hungry and you know it, eat some cheese..."